SHAME IS LIKE A SEXUAL ILLNESS...
and the antidote, please?
Very few people have been given healthy approval, support and respectful privacy to self-pleasure. On the contrary, most people have vivid memories of being overtly shamed at a young age by others about the natural discovery of sexual self-stimulation. Just a few short decades ago, the ignorance and shaming of masturbation in the medical field was so severe that ideas of going blind and hairy palms (as a symptom of having sex with oneself) can still strike fear and alienation into the hearts of the young. Furthermore, that fearful shame can be so prevalent and ingrained that we carry it with us all our lives, and in some cases, it seems negatively fused to our sexuality.
Yet, of all the partners, lovers and sexual playmates that may come your way, there is only one person that knows you most intimately — yourself. Alas, all too often our society looks down its nose at solo sexuality, hypocritically though, since most all of us have found solace in our left or right hand, and (as the old saying goes) the rest of us lie about it.
Sure, there is nothing like having an intimate sexual experience with another person, but the same can be said about having sex with yourself. Only you can instantly know exactly what you need and what you want at any given moment. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to be “clear” about anything. You don’t have to adjust your position to accommodate anyone else. With the speed of thought and passion you know what has to be done and... it’s done!
Therefore, why even compare and compete between which is better — solo or partnered sex? That’s just an ass backwards way to feel bad about yourself when you are alone. Why deem a loser or winner at all? The plain truth is you are the fertile ground of learning unconditional love. It is foundational that the only way to truly love others is to learn to love yourself. The same goes for sex as well. The negative myth in our society is that if a person gets “too comfortable” with solo sex, said person won’t want it with anyone else. Research indicates the opposite. The more you know what brings you pleasure, the easier it is to communicate that to a partner.
Still, I often see a disconnect between self-love and solo sex. Even sexually progressive people — ones who are comfortable talking about their sex lives, often times give every reason in the book for masturbation — blowing off steam, a distraction, helps them sleep, horny, and more. Mind you, these are all perfectly legitimate reasons that give purpose to my self-play as well. What I so rarely hear is anyone saying, “(big sigh!) I made mad passionate love to myself for hours last night!”
Although it sounds silly, for many of us, that’s exactly what we need. Okay, so you don’t have that special someone at your side right now, what’s your excuse for not ravaging yourself with love? Don’t you need a little TLC? Why wait? What does it take? How bad does it have to get before you give yourself the deep satisfaction you want — without conditions?
What typically happens as I see it in myself and in so many others, is that we have been taught not to love, but to punish. When we don’t seem to have every little thing exactly the way it “should” be (as if it ever will be perfect), we heap all the more feelings of “less than,” undeservedness, reward/punishment (with very little reward), and self-loathing — exactly the opposite of what we need and want.
So I ask you, if your ideal boyfriend (this column was originally written for PULP, a gay male magazine) was having a down day and in need of some lovin’, would you verbally put him down, make him feel worse, tell him to work harder or tell him that he was just plain undeserving? Of course not, so why do it to yourself?
The next time you sexually pleasure yourself, take the time to go all out. Light the candles. Draw a bubble bath. Make this not just a quick wank to relieve the pressure. Make deep and passionate love to yourself — that’s real stress relief for ya! Be mindful, and “heartful” of the endless loving energy you can bestow on yourself. As you fill yourself to overflowing with grateful adoration, I promise that it will glow and flow beyond you. As you love yourself, so shall others experience the love you embody.
Ultimately, part of the reason this sounds so foreign is that we are not given any positive examples of this kind of loving. This is similar to our society becoming saturated with obsessive and negative sexuality simply because we have so few sex positive role models. Therefore, I have formed this small group, The Men’s Sacred Self-loving Circle. A kind of circle jerk where guided, meditative masturbation can be exemplified, and affirmed by supportive and unashamed self-loving men. Groups like this are truly unique experiences and you are invited to join us.
WHAT TO EXPECT
6 to 15 men will gather in a cozy, candle-lit room (on special occasions we may have a larger space to accommodate more guys) where we will remove our clothes (if you don't bring a bag to put things in, one will be provided for you), and masturbate together. Lube and lotion are provided (feel free to bring your own favorite if you like).
The structure is loose, and different each time, but I (your host: Dr. Jallen Rix***) will always be prepared with suggestions, a "theme," or guidance. I may offer directions to close your eyes, or look into the eyes of those in the room. It might be a lively, kickback and hang wit' da bois, time. I may "story tell" a hot fantasy in which you can imagine yourself playing out. Other occasions might be more ritual in nature in complete silence with music as our guide. Hopefully, with a regular group and warmer months in the summer, we can have a few circles with mother nature. Although I will change it up, the overall goal will always be the same -- this is an occasion and environment of experimentation to allow yourself to sink into new levels of sensual and sexual self-love with the affirmation and accepting presence of other men in the room.
Because of this self-love focus, there will be no sucking, or fucking. Self love enjoys soft cocks as well as erections. Orgasm and ejaculation is welcomed (and often applauded) but by no means a requirement. You can be the first person to cum or the last. Acceptance will be given whether you cum or not. This is neither a competition, nor a race. We will hold the space for everyone beginning to end, and I will make sure we are wrapped up and out the door on time.
If you are willing to heap unconditional sexual love upon yourself and if you affirm that in other men, then you will enjoy this event.
Men's Sacred Self-Pleasuring Circle
Los Angeles - no date at the moment
Palm Springs: Monday, February 19th
7pm
>>> This circle we may be using touch to connect with each other as a consensual option. <<<
"HOW DO I SIGN UP?"
You must...
--- read all of the above, and...
--- agree to abide by the above perimeters, and...
--- RSVP ONLY BY TALKING WITH ME IN PERSON OR ON THE PHONE
(not texting): 415-720-1075, I will give you the location when we talk, and...
(This is to insure that we are all on the same page and the space is as safe as possible - it's a win/win thing)
--- Please bring a suggested $20 donation - sliding scale. No one will be turned away for lack of funds.
I look forward to seeing you enjoy yourself like never before! Join us for the kind of sexual healing and strength that is found in your own hand and in the camaraderie of like-hearted men.
***You may also like to view other aspects of my sexological work at:
